Bruce Blitzed Sucks!
by Sideshow27
Summary: John Cena has taken his superman booking way too far. His recent Wrestlemania win over Bray Wyatt has caused the number one Cena hater, Bruce Blitz to lose his cool. When he is threatened under arrest however, an old Shinto priest arrives and takes him to his home in Japan, but does Bruce know what he is in for when he meets certain supernatural creatures from 500 years ago?


Chapter 1: John Cena Changes the Future

Bruce Blitz, a man from Chicago, Illinois sat on a chair, near his computer in his house. He could not bare to see John Cena in the WWE anymore. He had just gotten done watching Wrestlemania 30, and everything had been made happy for him. The wrestling was beyond great, the right people won, and Daniel Bryan finally won the WWE World Heavyweight Championship in a defining moment for his WWE career after defeating Triple H on that same night. However, there was one thing that Bruce saw overshadowing everything on the show. "Fuck Boy Buckethead" as he liked to call the wrestler he despised, did it again. The supposed "face" of the WWE went over against a performer who had proved himself to be a future star and a great character for WWE. John Cena had defeated Bray Wyatt. The sad part was that like Bruce predicted, John Cena had kicked out of the Sister Abigail not once, but seven times! All John Cena did throughout the match was look like Bray Wyatt's bitch, but then after an AA off the top turnbuckle and even an STF following that, Wyatt had tapped out and turned out to be Cena's bitch.

"FUCK THIS COMPANY AND FUCK JOHN CENA!" Bruce Blitz shouted on his webcam at two o'clock in the morning. He was currently doing a live webcam review involving his two main pals who were known as Mad Genius and Juan Gritz. They were impressed with the show and were praising it, but Bruce was not happy with their opinion.

"Bruce, you need to chill." Mad Genius told his longtime friend, worried that he was taking his hatred of John Cena to the next level. Like Bruce, Mad Genius and Gritz were both Cena haters, but unlike Bruce, they would sometimes praise Cena for his little effort in decent to great matches.

"SHUT UP, MAD GENIUS!" Bruce shouted at the top of his lungs. "YOU WATCHED WRESTLEMANIA, DIDN'T YOU?! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHY THE SHOW SUCKED?!"

"But Bruce man the show didn't suck." Gritz told him. "See you're just looking at one side-,"

"Gritz, I don't wanna hear any of your bullshit opinions!" Bruce shouted at him. "THE SHOW SUCKED, BECAUSE JOHN CENA BURRIED THE FUCK OUT OF BRAY WYATT!" Bruce slammed his fist on his glass of protein juice, causing it to leak out the juice which spilled all over his desk and onto his pants.

"FUCK!" Bruce shouted at what he did. Mad Genius and Gritz were laughing quietly.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU STUPID MINDLESS FOLLOWING DICKS!" Bruce shouted. "YOU MADE ME DO THIS!"

"Bruce, we didn't make you do anything." Mad genius told him, trying not to laugh. "You're just mad because John Cena won."

"Yeah, seriously Bruce, you need to stop for a minute and get off of John Cena's motherfuckin dick." Gritz said. "I hear you hatin on the motherfucker all throughout our Raw reviews, but the way you talk about him different from all of the other fuckers in WWE, makes me kinda think you wanna ride the muscle boy from top to bottom ya feel me?"

Mad Genius was laughing hysterically now, while Bruce just sat there, glaring at his screen. He could not believe what Gritz had just said. Who the fuck does that Mexican or whatever the fuck he's from think he is? Here he is, getting paid to repeat the same stuff that Bruce says, but is wasting a lot of time doing it, and now he goes off and accuses him of being in love with John Cena?

"Gritz..." Bruce said calmly. "I don't ever wanna see you on my site again. I don't ever wanna hear of you ever again. I DON'T WANT YOU ANYWHERE NEAR MY FUCKING YOUTUBE CHANNEL OR ANY OF MY VIP BULLSHIT! FUCK YOU, YOU CENA LOVER!" Bruce hopped up and flipped over his desk, causing his computer to fall as well and break on impact, completely destroying their plans of doing a Wrestlemania review.

"FUUUUCCCCKKKKK!" Bruce shouted at the top of his lungs as he ripped his earphones off and chucked them at the TV, breaking the glass a little.

"THIS MOTHERFUCKER HAS TURNED ALL MY FRIENDS AGAINST ME!" Bruce shouted once again and flipped his couch over, then going over to the walls and punching holes in them. Bruce began to breath heavily, thinking about all the times that he's had to deal with talking about John Cena, talking about how he's always gotta be in the spotlight, how he's the shit factor of professional wrestling, claiming he was Lex Luger 2.0. It pissed him off every time he ad to talk about him. It pissed him off even more when his friends, who were also Cena haters, would praise him in some of his matches. Recently during the buildup to Elimination Chamber, Mad Genius praised Cena in his match against Cesaro, despite knowing that Cesaro did most of the work because he's a better wrestler, but praised Cena because he tried and he made not only Cesaro, but himself look good. Bruce went to lengths during that Raw review to change Mad Genius's opinion or else he would kick his out of his VIP group.

"I'm only doing this to make money..." Bruce muttered to himself angrily. It was true. The whole reason he had his own sight and was doing these sports reviews and writing articled about wrestlers and their careers, was because he had no education, and he mooched off of his mom for most of his life. Bruce finally made enough money to move out when he was 36. He then made a living off of his website and would be paid thousands. He was still poor as fuck. His unhealthy obsession with TNA didn't even do him good either.

"RRRRAAAAAHHH!" Bruce shouted, now going fully apeshit. Bruce ran around the living room screaming, before running into the kitchen, and grabbing his refrigerator, yanking it out of the wall and chucking it to the ground. He then yanked out his plates and eating utensils from his cupboards and began chucking them hard at the walls, all the while cursing out Cena and threatening to kill him. Bruce then grabbed a knife and for no reason whatsoever, and quickly too, stabbed himself in his left arm, screaming with anger and pain. He ripped the knife from his arm and growled as he watched the blood seep out from his newly opened wound. Bruce then looked at his clock, staring at the arrows that kept moving. It somehow bothered him, bothered him so much that he walked over, yanked it out of his wall, ran to his front door, kicked it down and threw it out into the road, where it landed on the hood of a police car.

"FUCK THE WWE, AND FUCK JOHN CENA! FUCK FUCK BOY BUCKETHEAD, FUCK WHAT IT HAS BECOME! FUCK IT ALL! FUCK ME! FUCKING...AAAAHHHHH!"

Then the cop that the car belonged to, ran up to Bruce and pinned him against the wall.

"Sir, I'm gonna need you to calm down." said the cop. The only reason he was here, was because some of Bruce's neighbors had called the cops on Bruce for all the yelling and swearing he was doing.

"LET GO OF ME, YOU JOHN CENA FANBOY!" Bruce shouted as he tried to break free. The cop's grip on Bruce was strong, so he had a hard time breaking free. But Bruce thought quickly and headbutted the cop in the head, causing him to let go. Bruce took this time top tackle the cop and began to beat his face in. The neighbors came out and went to help the cop, yanking Bruce off of him and pinning him down.

"FUCK ALL OF YOU PEOPLE!" Bruce shouted. "YOU ALL LOVE AND WORSHIP JOHN CENA!"

A few more cop cars arrived on the scene. The cops came out and told everybody to get off of Bruce. After they did, One of the cops pinned Bruce down and handcuffed him behind his back.

"You're under arrest, punk." said the cop as he yanked Bruce off the ground and gave him a glare.

"I can't believe I'm getting fucking arrested just because I thought Wrestlemania sucked..." Bruce growled and spit in the cops eye.

"OH FUCK!" The cop shouted, letting go of Bruce and checking on his eye. Bruce took the chance and kicked the cop in the face before running off, not remembering that the other cops were still there. The cops took out their guns and fired at Bruce, one shot managing to hit his arm.

"FUCK!" Bruce shouted, but it didn't stop him from running.

The cops growled and ran after Bruce, hoping for this to be easier than it already wasn't turning out to be.

Thirty minutes had passed and Bruce had wandered off onto a boating dock. Bruce glanced around to see if there was somebody who could get his handcuffs off of him and take him somewhere where he could be safe. Bruce wandered around for a little bit, until he saw some guy who looked to be Japanese, where some of Shinto priest outfit and had what looked to be a replica of a pearl.

Bruce ran up to him and yelled in his face. "HEY ASSHOLE!" Bruce shouted. "GET ME AWAY FROM THIS FUCKING RETARDED JOHN CENA DIMENSION AND I'LL GIVE YOU SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS!"

The old Japanese man turned around and slapped Bruce across the face. "You old man," he said, need to learn to grow up and watch you tone." The old man turned back around and looked at his replica. Bruce growled and ran in front of the old man and grabbed the replica with his teeth.

"Hey!" shouted the old man. "Give it back! That's a replica of the Shikon Jewel!"

Bruce glared at the man. "Get me to a different country and I'll give this back." Bruce said with the replica still in his mouth.

The old man glared at him but sighed. "Fine..." he said. "I'll take you to Japan, and then I have my replica back."

Bruce nodded and grinned but then heard the cops shouting, claiming they were getting close to him. "Take me to your boat, sir!" Bruce demanded. "Quickly!"

The old man shrieked but grabbed him by his shirt collar and pulled him to what looked to a speed boat. The old man got into the boat, pulling Bruce in it as well. The old man then started the boat, and right when Bruce managed to stand up, the boat was off, causing the wind roaring at them to push Bruce all the way at the end of the boat and onto one of the seats.

Bruce sighed as the old man drove the boat. He looked up at the old man, wondering what he was. Why was this old man wearing a priest's outfit? What was his purpose in his hometown of Japan. What part of Japan was he even from anyway? Did this old man have a family anyway?

"So please tell me why you're handcuffed and bleeding from your left arm?" the old man said, hoping to try and start a little conversation to get to know him better.

Bruce sighed. "It's a long, depressing and weird story, mister...um..."

"Higurashi." the old man answered for him. "If you don't want to tell me, it's alright. All I know is that I'm going to bring you to my country as fast as I can so can get the right herbs from my house to heal your arm before it becomes infected."

Bruce chuckled a little. "No thank you, Mr. Higurashi." he told him. "I can deal with it. Oh, I'm Bruce by the way."

"Nice to meet you, Bruce." said Mr. Higurashi. "And don't try to make yourself look tough just because you think I'll go through a lot of trouble to help you. After all, I'm already taking you to my home and we just met."

Bruce chuckled nervously. "Well I'm kinda sorry if I'm causing you trouble right now." he said.

"Oh no no. No worries." Mr. Higurashi chuckled weakly. "Just been doing a little exploring across the world myself. I've been wanting to see if other countries have had past demons like Japan has had."

"Um...okay..." Bruce said, beginning to feel that the man was awkward.

"But I'll save that for another time." Mr. Higurashi said cheerily as he continued to drive his boat, while wondering how he would introduce this random man to his family.

Bruce on the other hand felt a little nervous for himself. He knew that the cops weren't going to give up their search for him, and he sure as hell knew that he would be on the news, while all his VIP buddies like Mad Genius would begin to question what the hell happened to Bruce Blitz after his rage thanks to John Cena. Bruce decided that maybe he could start a new life in Japan. He always wondered how society in Japan was compared to the USA where everybody wished to fuck John Cena. Hopefully, he would have a better life which included people who were or wanted to be just like him and worship him. He wished for a better future in Japan, but wait till he would see what he bargained for.


End file.
